Bachelor Party
by herk227
Summary: It's only a week until Phil and Clint get married. So they need to have stag parties. How will Phil spent his special day and what does Clint have to deal with as his party is organized by Tony? For continuity - please look at my profile.
1. Phil's special day

Pepper was the one to organize Phil's bachelor party.

It only took her two days to make Tony stop calling it a bridal shower, which really impressed Coulson. Like many people had pointed out, Phil and Clint weren't exactly a traditional kind of couple, so Pepper decided that there was no need for any kind of traditional stag party. Instead she conspired with Steve and Natasha to make the day as enjoyable for Phil as possible. She wasn't even above interrogating Clint for information but bound him to keep quiet about it to his future husband by threats of death.

So a week before the wedding Coulson was 'kidnapped' rather early by Captain America and dragged to a baseball game. Pepper and Tasha were already there, waiting for them with hot dogs and beer, keeping the best seats occupied. Phil, who hadn't had the opportunity to enjoy a full game since he'd joined SHIELD, grinned widely at his friends.

"I don't care how many strippers Clint gets to see tonight – Tony has already lost when it comes to organizing the best bachelor day."

Pepper beamed, she and Nat weren't exactly fans of baseball, but today was about Phil and it seemed she had made the right choice. Tasha took the opportunity when Coulson and Rogers started to comment on the ongoing game to acquire his phone and pass it into Pepper's handbag. SHIELD knew that Coulson was with her today, so that they could still theoretically reach him in an emergency, but the inhibition threshold was a lot higher if they had to go through her first.

The game itself was enjoyable and suspenseful and in the end Coulson's team won by a narrow margin.

Afterwards they went to a comic book store. Steve had promised the owner to sign some vintage Captain America comics and in return they could spend two whole hours browsing the store undisturbed. Despite her expectations Pepper enjoyed herself enormously. Steve was quite self-conscious around the Avengers action figures but relaxed when Natasha pulled some merchandise toy from the shelves and declared she would use the 'lasso of truth' in all future interrogations. Fictional heroes were harmless fun.

Once Potts decided to join in it didn't take long until she had a light saber duel with the comic book guy while Phil and Tasha discussed the merits of the Power Puff Girls versus Dexter's Laboratory.

When they left the shop 'Friendship is Magic' had won out, because of the inclusion of Big Lebowski ponies (Coulson), Rainbow Dash (Comic book guy), Winter Wrap Up (Pepper), the fight scenes in 'A Canterlot Wedding' (Natasha) and Darring Do (Steve).

During dinner their conversation drifted from comics and collectibles to films and books, and from baseball and the excellent food to Phil and Clint and their upcoming wedding. None of them talked about the job.

Phil was almost convinced that he could skip everything remotely traditional and maybe even call it an early night, when Pepper and Nat hooked in on his left and right and dragged him into a Karaoke bar.

His eyes went wide. "Do you really think this is a good idea?"

"Yes we do," Pepper told him with a grin.

"Clint rated on you," Tasha added.

It wasn't so much that Phil didn't like singing, on the contrary he loved it, but... "I'm not any good at all."

Steve's hand clasped his shoulder. "That's the beautiful thing about it – as I was told – this isn't about being good but having fun."

When Captain America told you to enjoy yourself, there really wasn't much you could do.

"I need more drinks."

Pepper's rendition of 'Fuck You' was surprisingly well done and very heartfelt. While Tasha was focused on the stage, wondering who Pepper was thinking about right now as she put so much emphasis on the refrain, Steve turned to Phil.

"You know I always thought you'd be the one to ask Clint, not the other way around."

Coulson looked into his beer with sad eyes, taking a moment before answering. "If it had been just about me – I would have asked him years ago. But Clint needed time, so I waited until he was ready and asked."

"You think he would have said 'no'?"

Tasha snorted, obviously listening to them after all. "He wouldn't have stood still long enough to say anything, probably would have been halfway around the globe, before Phil had finished the question." Seeing Rogers' expression, she added: "Clint's an idiot."

A few months ago Steve would have been shocked to hear her talk like that about her team mate, but know he knew Hawkeye and the widow well enough to recognize the fond affection behind the words.

Coulson's only reaction was to inform them "Yeah – and he's MY idiot."


	2. Well what did YOU expect?

"You are NOT going to call Agent,"

Bruce chuckled at Tony's vehemence. It was a good thing that he could see the humor in the situation, otherwise their cell – with Thor and Selvig leaning against each other on the bench and Hawkeye pacing while he argued with Stark – would become seriously crowded and uncomfortable.

"Then who d'you s'ppose we call?"

"Uhm..."

"Thought so." Clint turned to call out for a cop.

"Wait! - Hey Bruce, what about Betty?"

"Currently in Japan." And boy was he glad about that – he really didn't want to even imagine what General Ross would say if his daughter was called to bail Bruce Banner and Tony Stark out of the drunk tank.

"Erik? Thor?"

"Jane is still working her project in Australia."

"You two are telling me, you only got one person between you to call in such a case?" Tony was scandalized.

"I usually don't get arrested," Selvig clarified.

"When I get into trouble, I normally call upon the Warrior's Three or my brother, if matters need to be handed discreetly."

Clint chuckled. "Yeah – great idea. Let's call Loki, so Phil doesn't learn about this."

Selvig clearly wasn't amused, but Tony and Bruce joined in the laughter and eventually even Thor followed suit.

"Too bad the free phone call doesn't cover Asgard."

"Certainly wouldn't be the worst idea we had tonight."

"You thought it'd be hilarious to re-enact 'Men in Tights' in the middle of Time Square, too, Barton." Tony protested.

Clint turned towards him and poked a finger in his chest as he answered. "M' first mistake was not to run like hell, when the words bachelor party and Tony Stark were mentioned in the same sentence." He turned to call out for an officer once more.

"You are not calling your fiance, Legolas."

Slowly but surely this was getting irritating.

"So why don't you call someone, Stark?"

"Rhodey's in the Middle East," he began to count on his fingers, "Pepper and Steve are with Agent, Happy is their driver for t'night, you guys are here," he lost count here, as he wasn't sure how many fingers would be appropriate for 'you guys' and gave up, "and AI's aren't allowed to give bail."

"Which leaves us with..." Clint coaxed.

"Your friends," declared Tony happily.

"Right and since Nat is with Phil anyway..."

"You are NOT calling Agent."

"They're stuck in a loop," Selvig observed.

"Yeah, because she's a robot and he's an idiot," Bruce giggled. He was very happy with his own little joke although no one but Tony and him would probably get the quote and the genius was occupied otherwise.

"Stark – I'm not going to spend the night of my bachelor party in the drunk tank."

Tony broke into a grin as the brilliant solution hit him. "Nicky," he declared.

"Who?" Thor furrowed his brow in confusion.

Clint was flabbergasted, but before he could say anything, Tony continued.

"Think about it. Fury likes Phil and I'm sure he wouldn't want us to spoil his favorite agent's bri – I mean stag day."

Thor beamed. "'Tis a good plan, the Director will surely help us out of this..."

"And," Bruce added, "he's pr'ably the only one able to keep this a secret from Coulson."

Clint's eyes shot from one of his friends to the next, maybe it was the alcohol's fault, that he hadn't seen this earlier. "Tony you're brilliant."

S*T*A*G

"SHIELD HQ, how can I direct your call, Agent Barton?"

"I need to talk to th' boss."

There was a slight pause at the other end, but the guy on phone duty was too professional to comment on Clint's slow and slightly slurred pronunciation.

"I'll put you through."

There was a click and Clint only had to wait for three seconds before his call was picked up again.

"Assistant Director Hill speaking."

Clint wondered briefly why Fury sounded so different. This wasn't going according to plan.

"Barton?" Hill sounded impatient.

"Hmm – yes."

"Why did you call, Agent?"

"I wanted t' talk to Fury, Ma'am."

"Well he's not here and I'm on duty, so what IS the problem?"

"We're n th' drunt'nk, Ma'am," Clint mumbled.

Unfortunately Maria Hill had excellent hearing. "You're _where_? No forget that, who is _we_?"

"Thor, Selvig, Tony, Bruce 'n me."

"You're in a cell? With Doctor Banner?"

"'Twas Tony's idea – but Bruce 's fine – deci- ... decs- ... defn-... not green."

Her relieved sigh could be heard through the phone.

"Where are you?"

"Why?" Clint suddenly felt a surge of paranoia.

"Because I can hardly bail you out if I don't know at which precinct you are, Agent Barton. You do want to get out, don't you? That's why you called, right?"

"Yeah, but I thought..."

"You better don't – not at the moment. I'm going to get you out, Coulson won't be the wiser – and you _owe_ me, Barton."

"'Kay." He wasn't drunk enough to argue with Hill, when she was in _that_ mood. He told her where they were and hung up.

The police officer wondered briefly what the hell the guy had drunk. As he brought him back to the cell to wait for his bail out, the man pouted and explained, that he had looked forward to the troll-hunting.

* * *

author's note: You all know that any bachelor party organized by Stark would end like this.


End file.
